Ask Andell

Hi, my name is Andell and I'm here to answer your questions. If you have anything you wish to ask me about convomo, please submit your question via the Contact page.

Here are some answers to questions I have been asked recently:

Q: Do you work here?
A: No. The answer to this question is almost certainly negative, whether you are asking me in Boots, Tesco, The Mighty Pound, The Link, Woolworths, another branch of The Link, Barratts, SD Stores, Bhs, Sainsbury's, Next, M&S or any other shop you happen to see me in.

Q: You don't work here, do you?
A: No. See above.

Q: Could you tell me where certain products / the toilets / the instore café / the escalators are?
A: Sorry, no. Did you not hear me just now? I am not a shop assistant.

Q: How much is this sale item?
A: I'm afraid I cannot give a definitive answer to this question, but can only help you find it by offering more questions, such as - Am I even vaguely in staff uniform? Am I doing something that a store might pay me for? Am I wearing a name badge offering you my assistance? Or have I just walked in off the street, wearing my coat, browsing products and trying to keep myself to myself? In short, how in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster should I know any better than you how much it is?

Q: You don't sell Rennies do you?
A: No, but I could give you a free haircut, you mulletted freak.

Q: Are these all the shorts you have?
A: *squelch* * squelch* Were those the only eyes you had?

Q: Could you help me get this item I can't reach off the shelf?
A: Grrrrrrr. Oh, sorry; yes, happy to help. Just don't accuse me of working here.

Q: Convomo has a big feature on poetry. Do you write any yourself?
A: As a matter of fact, I am the Resident Poet.

Q: That wasn't a geniune question was it, you fraud?
A: Er, no. But neither's this one, you hypocrite. Actually, it is. I was asked it the day after writing it, by someone who hadn't seen the site. So there.